Healer Byron Katie
The work of Byron Katie is brilliant! She has been tagged by the 11th Hour Action network as an expert on their list of gurus. Her mission is to end human (mental) suffering. Byron has posted a number of talks to her site called The Work which “is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and question thoughts that cause all the suffering in the world. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address your problems with clarity” The Work begins with a four step worksheet:
- The first step asks one to let the judge or inner critic take over. Now, I’ve been trained in suspending judgement, so making critical remarks of others in writing was a challenge for me at this time in my life.
- After this first step of spilling the dirt, the second step in her process is to turn these questions around with these four questions: Is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true? How do you react, what happens, when you think that thought? Who would you be without the thought?
- Step three in this process is to change the statements around to be the opposite of your original thoughts. This step can become what Byron refers to as the prescription for happiness. To better explain the turnaround here is the example, “Jill doesn’t understand me” can be turned around to “Jill does understand me.” Another turnaround is “I don’t understand Jill” A third is “I don’t understand myself.” Another sample is:“I need him to be kind to me” turns around to:- I don’t need him to be kind to me.- I need me to be kind to him. (Can I live it?)- I need me to be kind to myself.
- The final step involves turning the final answer in the worksheet around to become “I am willing …” and “I look forward to …” because it has now become something I can learn more about myself from. This is an exercise to see that uncomfortable feelings are just reminders that we’ve attached to things that are not true for us. It means working on seeing the perceived enemy as friend. As Katie says “Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see him again, you may even divorce him, but as you think about him are you feeling stress or peace”
Essentially her mission is to teach people how to end their own suffering. Benefits described in the work are:
- Alleviation of depression: Finding resolution, and even happiness, in situations that were once debilitating.
- Decreased stress: Learning how to live with less anxiety or fear.
- Improved relationships: Experiencing deeper connection and intimacy with your partner, your parents, your children, your friends, and yourself.
- Reduced anger: Understanding what makes you angry and resentful, and become less reactive, less often, with less intensity.
- Increased mental clarity: Living and working more intelligently and effectively, with integrity.
- More energy: Experiencing a new sense of ongoing vigor and well-being.
- More peace: Discovering how to become “a lover of what is.”
These techniques prove very helpful when discussing important sustainability topics that may require one to see all sides of an issue. Image Source
Dear Katie
thank you for all that you do! I have been practicing the work for about 4 years, then I got married,for the first time! Wow,and I was 47. We are divorcing, probably next week the process will be finalized. My question, is at what point is it right to move out of a relationship. Because it feels like i am getting beat up with this person, I want to go. Is that enough? I mean, I have realized that many of my projections could be turned on me, but then I just feel unsafe much of the time…and with all the WORK, I feel uninspired when being with this person, exhausted is a better definition. Can you comment on when you know it is right to leave a situation, in this case a marriage. Many many thanks!
Dear Anita,
You wrote this to Katie, who likely won’t see it, so I thought I would offer my perspective, for what it’s worth.
Of course it’s enough that you want to go! If it’s true, you notice that you are leaving. The right time to leave is when you do—not one minute before.
When you say you are getting beaten up by your husband, I assume you mean emotionally. Katie says, “No one can hurt me; that’s my job.” She stayed many years with a man who complained about her, yelled and cursed at her, because she loved him and she didn’t feel hurt by what he did or said. She left when it became clear to her that he was suffering by being married to the woman he thought she was…and because she wanted to.
That doesn’t mean you have to stay with someone whom you find difficult to live with. If you’re interested in knowing the truth, then the thing to look at, whether you stay or go, is whether what hurts is what he actually does, or what you think it means. Someone else in your position might not feel beaten up, and still might leave, because it would be the kindest thing to do for all concerned.
You may want to question thoughts like the ones you expressed about feeling unsafe, uninspired and exhausted. I’m not saying they’re not true, I just hear they are stressful beliefs for you. How do you treat yourself, how do you live your life, when you believe people should inspire you, that they shouldn’t exhaust you? You might find that, rather than feeling victimized by your ex, you might feel empowered by your freedom to leave and your dedication to taking care of yourself.